Ask Freddie: “Can I Date Someone Without Having Sex?”

“Ask Freddie” is a monthly advice column where Freddie, DoSomething’s Director of Mobile Messaging, answers anonymous questions from DoSomething members. The topics are always different -- the answers are always REAL. Are you seeking advice? Ask Freddie an anonymous question.

Question: Hi Freddie, I am 20 years old and the last boyfriend I had was in my high school. He wasn't really my boyfriend, more like someone I liked and also liked me. Since then, I have moved to another continent, far away from home. I haven't had a boyfriend since then, mostly just crushes but that's it. I have friends who have boyfriends and I have being told that I need to have some experience of how the dating world works here. However, the dating world in general involves sex and I am not ready for that. I want more of cuddling, watching movies, going to bookstores, having fun, basically exploring life together. My question is: Is it really possible to date someone like that without sex, and how do I find someone who is willing to wait for me? Thanks.

Hi Willing to Wait,

Welcome to the wonderfully thrilling, nerve-wracking, heart pounding, heart breaking, completely confusing, but oh-so-fun world of dating. Let me cut right to chase -- you do NOT need to have sex to join the dating club. Anyone who tells you otherwise is just plain wrong.

Sex often is a part of dating, but that isn’t true for everyone and it doesn’t need to be true for you. In fact, everything you mentioned in your letter -- cuddling, watching movies, going to bookstores, exploring life -- that IS dating. That’s the kind of stuff that allows you to really get to know a person, share interesting experiences, and hey, maybe even fall in love. Imagine that!

The main thing I took away from your letter was how confident you are in what kind of experiences you want when dating and what your boundaries are. Don’t be ashamed of that. Stick to what you want and be upfront with the people you’re dating. You will meet people who want to have sex, and if waiting for you to be ready is a dealbreaker for them, then that’s not the person for you.

There is someone out there who wants to cuddle up on the couch reading books you found at the bookstore together, and who also wants to wait for sex. You don’t need to rush into anything, just stay true to who you are and what you want. The dating world is waiting for you!

Freddie

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