A Teenager’s Guide to Dealing With Family Tension

Whether it’s Kardashian-level drama, or just the occasional issue, every family deals with some kind of tension from time to time. It can be especially tricky to navigate these problems as a teen, so we’ve put together this guide to communicating and coping with stressful family members.

You may want to engage with your family members, or just try to cope with them as best as you can. That’s why we’ve got tips for both below, with expert advice from licensed independent marriage and family therapist Jessica Ketner M.S., IMFT.

How Do I Try to Work It Out With My Family?

For when you want to try solving the issue with communication.

Go in with a goal.

If you want to tackle your issue head-on and talk to your family member(s) about it, it’s important to go in with a game plan. Focus in on a specific problem you want to resolve, like a restrictive curfew or academic pressure. Frame the conversation to them with your goal in mind.

“Hey, can we talk? I’ve been feeling really stressed out lately because of how often you ask me about my GPA. Can we figure out a better way to talk about school?"

And then stick to the goal! This is not the time to bring up their comment from the other day about how often you’re on your phone. Stay on topic, and focus on fixing the problem. Keep in mind that it’s not about “winning” the argument or getting them to admit blame -- they may not outright apologize for their behavior, but as long as they correct it, you’ve achieved your goal.

Stay calm.

When you care a lot about something, it can be hard to talk about it without getting a little emotional, but make your best effort to keep your cool. Your family member is more likely to respond to calm, direct conversation than yelling or crying. If your family member is the one escalating, then don’t be afraid to take a step back.

“Okay, I can see that you’re having some strong feelings right now, and I think it’d be best to come back to this when we’ve had some time to cool down. Let’s talk about it tomorrow?”

Remember, you can’t control them or their response, but you can control yours. An emotional back-and-forth won’t be productive in the moment, but find time and space to sort through your feelings later (like when you’re venting to a friend or blasting Billie Eilish in your room).

Get their perspective.

This is a conversation with your family member, not a lecture you’re giving them. Actively listen to what they have to say, and they’ll (hopefully) do the same for you. It’s possible to acknowledge and validate someone’s opinion without necessarily agreeing with them.

“I understand that you want me to be safe and that having me home before dark makes you feel more tuned-in. Is there a way I could make you feel less worried when I’m not home?”

Remember that your family member is a person, and they have thoughts and feelings too (and those feelings can inform their behavior). Get to the bottom of it to find a solution that works for both of you.

“There can also be tensions that arise as teens may develop opinions and feelings that differ from their parents’ (political, social, religious),” said Ketner in an email. “There is often tension as parents try to set appropriate boundaries for their teens while allowing for more freedom and independence as they near adulthood.”

Speak honestly and effectively.

Usually when it comes to talking with parents or guardians, you want to make sure that your case is airtight. You can do that by sticking to specific situations and the specific way they made you feel. It’s easy to argue with generalizations (“You never trust me!”), but you can’t argue with facts.

“I felt really upset when you went through my texts yesterday. It made me feel like I didn’t have control over my personal conversations.”

The “I” statements are really key here. By speaking from your own perspective, you’re letting your family member know how they impacted you (because sometimes they honestly may not realize it).

How Do I Cope With My Family?

For when you don’t feel comfortable or ready for confrontation.

Avoid when you can.

If you’re able to just head out for a walk or to your friend’s house when you need a breather from your family, then do it! If your family is more strict about letting you go places, find opportunities to get out of the house that they’ll approve of -- like an after-school club or sports team.

If you can’t avoid spending time with problematic family members, then do your best to avoid conflict with them. Figure out any trigger topics that might set off a negative response, and try to steer clear of them. So if your parent gets really worked up whenever you talk about politics, maybe save your thoughts for when you’re with your friends.

Redirect when you can’t.

If you find yourself in a sticky situation with your family, redirect the conversation or behavior. Here are some ways to do it:

• Use humor. If your family member keeps pushing you about your dating life, diffuse the conversation by cracking a joke about how you’re forever single.
• Go off-topic. If your family member starts making fun of a social cause that you really care about at dinner, ask them a totally unrelated question, like how they made the meal you’re eating.
• Offer to help. If your family member is really stressed out by all the dirty dishes in the sink, avoid a lecture by offering to load the dishwasher for them.

Lean on your support system.

Your family may be giving you a hard time, but there are plenty of other people who you can turn to for support. Hang out with your friends, join online communities, and just generally surround yourself with folks who accept you as you are (and who may relate to what you’re going through).

“Teens can often feel alone or like they are the only one feeling the way they feel,” said Ketner. “Finding healthy peer support can be a powerful connection and support.”

Find an outlet.

“Make choices that are compassionate and nurturing toward yourself,” said Ketner. “Find a healthy activity, outlet or a friend that helps you feel supported, calm and cared for.”

Try knitting, kickboxing, reading, singing, drawing -- even better if you do it as a part of a group or club. A good starting point would be your school and the classes and extracurricular activities that they offer.

Taking personal time will let you restore your emotional energy and build up your own sense of self apart from your family. It’s not selfish to do things for yourself, away from the things that stress you out.

If you’re looking for an especially practical outlet, try planning for the future. You can learn more about potential careers, research colleges or trade schools, and map out your long-term goals. It’ll take your mind off of right now and keep you hopeful and moving towards what’s next.

Seek outside help.

“My advice is do not suffer alone. Reach out to someone you trust and tell them how you are feeling and ask for help and support. You are not a burden if you ask for help.”

It’s important to know when a problem is bigger than yourself. If your family is having a severe impact on you and your mental health, then it may be time to contact an adult you trust.

“Some signs or symptoms that these dynamics are impacting a teen's mental health include self-harm, noticeable changes in friend groups or pulling away from friends, the teen isolating themselves from family and/or friends, acting out behaviorally, substance abuse, suicidal thoughts, grades dropping, and eating disorders,” said Ketner.

If your family is willing, therapy and counseling could be really helpful as you try to work through the different dynamics at play (both individual therapy and family therapy).

Additional Resources

Suicide: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 24 hour hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Personal Crisis: Crisis Text Line, 24 hours, text HOME to 741741

LGBTQ+: The Trevor Project, 24 hour hotline, 1-866-488-7386

Sexual Abuse: Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN), 24 hour hotline: 1-800-656-4673

Family Substance Use : Alateen, chat online or find a meeting near you.