How To Be a Better Ally!

At least 78% of LGBTQ+ teens are teased or bullied in their schools or communities. The good news is, you have the power to be an ally, and to make these spaces safer and more inclusive for everyone. We partnered with The Center for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender Community Center to create this guide and get you started!

(P.S. No need to read this in order. Scroll to the sections that are most useful to you!)

Allyship is a group effort, so we'd love to hear about the ways you support the LGBTQ+ community. Share your own tips for being a good ally through our Celebrate Pride campaign to be added to the largest crowdsourced guide for LGBTQ+ allyship.

SECTION 1: DEFINITIONS. What’s the difference between “sex,” “gender identity,” and “sexual orientation”? This section will define all these terms and a whole bunch more!

SECTION 2: NAMES AND PRONOUNS. “He/him/his,” “she/her/hers,” “they/them/theirs,” and others! This section covers pronouns, which we all use to identify or refer to ourselves and others.

SECTION 3: STATS. Key information from surveys of LGBTQ youth.

SECTION 4: HOW TO SUPPORT LGBTQ STUDENTS. This section has 4 ways to proactively support LGBTQ friends and classmates.

SECTION 5: HOW TO MAKE YOUR SCHOOL MORE INCLUSIVE. Here you’ll find 5 things you can do to make your school a better place for students who identify as LGBTQ and those who don’t.

SECTION 1: DEFINITIONS.

Sexual orientation: Sexual orientation is about who you’re attracted to and want to have relationships with. Some of the most common sexual orientations include gay, lesbian, straight, bisexual, and asexual (though there are many more).

LGBTQ+: The acronym for “lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer.” The “+” refers to the many other gender identities and sexual orientations including questioning, intersex, and asexual. Questioning refers to people who are figuring out their sexual orientation or gender identity. Intersex people are people who are born with sex characteristics such as genitals or chromosomes that do not fit the typical definitions of male or female. Asexual people are people who don’t experience sexual attraction.

Intersectionality: The understanding of how a person's overlapping identities — including race, class, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, and disability status — impact the way they experience discrimination.

Heteronormativity: A cultural bias that considers heterosexuality (being straight) to be the only norm. This belief assumes and that gender has only two categories — male or female — and that relationships are only meant to be between people of the opposite sex.

Sex: The physical attributes and characteristics that are used to assign someone as “male” or “female” at birth based on an assumed physical dichotomy. Sex is often mistakenly used as an umbrella term to encompass gender identity and gender expression.

Gender Identity: One's personal concept of self as male, female, a blend of both or neither – how individuals perceive themselves and what they call themselves. Everyone has a gender identity, and one's gender identity can be the same or different from their sex assigned at birth.

Gender Expression: This is how a person expresses their gender through outward presentation. Examples include clothing, hair style, body language, and mannerisms. Many people have gender expressions that are not considered typical based on their assigned sex at birth, but that fact alone does not make them transgender.

Transgender: A term used to describe people whose gender identity and/or gender expression differs from what is typically associated with the sex they were assigned at birth.

Cisgender: Any person whose gender identity aligns with the sex and gender they were assigned at birth.

Gender Non-Conforming: A term used to describe some people whose gender expression is different from conventional expectations of masculinity and femininity. Not all gender non-conforming people identify as transgender; nor are all transgender people gender non-conforming.

Coming out: The complicated, multi-layered, ongoing process by which one discovers and accepts one’s own sexuality and gender identity.

Outing: Publicly revealing a person's sexual orientation or gender identity when they've personally chosen to keep it private.

Living openly: An LGBTQ+ person who is comfortable being out about their sexual orientation and/or gender identity.

Closeted: An LGBTQ+ person who will not or cannot disclose their sex, sexual orientation, and/or gender identity publicly.

SECTION 2: NAMES AND PRONOUNS

Sourced from UC Davis.

A person’s name and pronouns are an important part of their identity. Pronouns, like “I,” “we,” “she,” “hers,” are a part of our daily English language. We use pronouns as a way to identify or refer to ourselves and others. For people who do not identify as male or female, there are many other pronouns to describe their gender, such as the gender-neutral pronoun “they” or “zie.”

One’s gender can be communicated with the use of pronouns, so mistaking their pronouns mistakes their gender. Therefore, it’s important to respect names and pronouns by using them consistently, as it validates a person's identity.

It’s important to remember that even if someone looks cisgender or appears to look like a man or woman, it doesn’t mean you can assume their pronouns. Remember to ask about pronouns when you meet someone or introduce yourself using your pronouns to let others know your pronouns preference. Using pronouns creates safer and more inclusive spaces for people to be themselves knowing that other people are going to respect their identity.

SECTION 3: STATS

Sourced from Human Rights Campaign.

• 4 in 10 LGBTQ+ youth (42%) say the community in which they live is not accepting of LGBTQ+ people.
• LGBTQ+ youth are twice as likely as their peers to say they have been physically assaulted, kicked or shoved at school.
• 26% of LGBTQ+ youth say their biggest problems are not feeling accepted by their family, trouble at school/bullying, and a fear to be out/open.
• 22% of non-LGBTQ+ youth say their biggest problems are trouble with class, exams, and grades.
• Roughly three-quarters (73%) of LGBTQ+ youth say they are more honest about themselves online than in the real world.
• 68% of LGBTQ+ youth say they hear negative messages about being LGBTQ+ from elected leaders.

SECTION 4: HOW TO SUPPORT LGBTQ+ STUDENTS

Sourced from Human Rights Campaign and Pride.com.

1. Be honest: It’s important to work through your feelings and come to terms with them in an honest way. As the Human Rights Council describes, “And it means being honest with the person who came out in your life — acknowledging you aren't an expert, asking them what's important to them, seeking resources to better understand the realities of being an LGBTQ+ individual so that you can be truly informed and supportive.”
2. Be reassuring: If someone has come out to you, make sure you explain to them that their sexual orientation or gender identity has not changed how you feel about them, even though it may take time for you to work through what they have told you. People need to hear that you still care for and respect them as much as you ever have or more.
3. Amplify the voices of LGBTQ+ people: Often, people who don’t pay attention to LGBTQ+ voices will if straight people share those thoughts, feelings, and arguments. Is that fair? No. But it’s also a reality, and it’s an opportunity for straight allies to do their part.
4. Confront Discrimination: If you see discrimination happening, say something. Every time you make it clear that you will not tolerate homophobia and transphobia in your life, you point out that hate is abnormal and unacceptable. You may change minds, or you may just make someone in the room who isn't out feel a little bit safer. Either way, it’s appreciated.

SECTION 5: HOW TO MAKE YOUR SCHOOL MORE INCLUSIVE

The climate of a school has a direct impact on both how well students learn and how well they interact with their peers. There are many things that schools and individual students can do to improve how safe and included LGBTQ+ students feel everyday. Here are four!

1. Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA)

GSAs, which are student-led or community-led groups that provide inclusive environments for LGBTQ+ students, are a great way to educate classmates about diversity and support LGBTQ+ students. They can also be a valuable resource to your school in trying to gauge the temperature of your school climates. If your school has a GSA -- join it! As an ally you can help make LGBTQ+ students feel more included and these clubs are a safe space to do that.

1. Dress Code

Fashion is just one of the many ways that people are allowed to express themselves. Meet with a trusted teacher, counselor, or principal and advocate for your school to enforce dress codes among all students equally. For example, constitutionally, a school can’t stop male students from wearing dresses if any other students are allowed to wear dresses.

1. Non-Gendered Communications

Using gender-inclusive language on all event promotions is another simple way to create a school environment that LGBTQ+ students will thrive in. For example, on your school’s prom invitations or homecoming dances you could promote LGBTQ+ couples.

1. Gender-Neutral Bathrooms

Gender non-conforming students often do not feel comfortable using the men’s or women’s bathrooms at school for fear of being bullied. Ask your principal to designate a bathroom as gender-neutral so that any student may use the bathroom without fear of discrimination.

1. LGBTQ+ Inclusive Curricula

One way to create a supportive and welcoming environment is to give LGBTQ students the opportunity to see themselves reflected in the lessons that that are taught. Doing so encourages critical thinking and an authentic understanding of the world, where we value and respect the whole range of gender expression and gender identities, as well as the whole continuum of sexual orientation and attraction.

This guide was made in collaboration with The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Community Center.