Ask Freddie: How Do I Come Out to My Friends and Family?

“Ask Freddie” is a monthly advice column where Freddie, DoSomething’s Director of Messaging, answers anonymous questions from DoSomething members. The topics are always different -- the answers are always REAL. Are you seeking advice? Ask Freddie an anonymous question.

This week, in honor of National Coming Out Day (Thursday, October 11), I’m answering your questions about coming out as someone who identifies as being LGBTQ. These particular questions are near to my heart because I’ve had my own experiences coming out...twice -- once in college as a lesbian, and again in my late twenties as a non-binary trans person. I’ll share advice based on what I know, but remember I do not speak for the entire community, and whether someone feels ready or safe enough to come out is entirely up to them.

I’ll be here to support you, whoever you are and whatever your decisions may be. (And if you’re looking to learn more about LGBTQ issues and be supportive to those around you, check out our Ally Guide.)

How do you know if you’re LGBTQ? And how do you come out?

The hardest part of coming out for me wasn’t telling other people, it was figuring out for myself who I was. As much of a struggle it was for me to come out, it is hands down the best thing I have ever done for myself. I’ll never be able to tell you how you know you identify as LGBTQ+ -- you’re the only one who can say that. It’s also okay for the way you feel to change -- you know yourself better than anyone. Trust yourself.

So how do you come out? Here’s my answer: Wait until it feels right AND SAFE for you. Maybe this means waiting until you’ve gathered the words to fully describe how you feel. Maybe it means telling one or two close friends, and continuing from a place with support. Maybe it means finding an online community of people, if the one in your real world isn’t supportive.

Regardless of your decision to come out or not, know that there are countless resources, and that there is a whole community out there that will support you and love you for who you are! If you’re feeling overwhelmed or “stuck,” a great resource to check out is The Trevor Project.

Hi, I’m a 14-year-old girl who identifies as bisexual. My mom and I can’t really talk about this part of me. How do I talk about it with her and make her understand that it’s not a phase?

I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time connecting with your mom about this huge piece of you. It’s hard to come out to a parent, who for the most part is supportive and accepts you, but just doesn’t seem to get it. It sounds like your mom might be trying to ignore this part of you, but in doing that, isn’t getting to know the real you.

When I came out as trans, it caused a lot of tension between my dad and I. We didn’t talk for a whole year. He and I had always been so close, but me being trans was hard for him to understand and I wasn’t able to talk or connect with him like I use to.

From that experience, I learned important lessons that I believe have led my dad and I to be closer than ever now. When I started talking with my dad again, I decided to lead the conversation with empathy. When I first came out, I expected my dad to be supportive and understanding from the get go, so when he wasn’t I was bruised and angry. But I forgot that me coming out was as much a coming out for him too -- he also lacked the support systems he needed to get advice or a better knowledge of what being trans meant, and what it meant for him to a parent of a trans person. When we talked again for the first time, I simply acknowledged that I knew this was hard for him too. That small act of empathy went a long way to show him I respected his feelings too. When you talk with your mom, think about what resources or support systems she may need. For starters, PFLAG or the Family Acceptance Project has many resources you can share.

With that said, it was important for me to continue being fully me around him (and everyone, for that matter)! By bringing my full self to our interactions, I was allowing my dad to see who I was and allow him to know and connect with me. You don’t need to get a girlfriend just to show your mom you’re bi -- you know who you are!

How can I support my friend when/if they come out to me?

Thank you for asking this question! Having an ally in your corner, no matter who you are, can go a long way. It can be life-saving.

In my opinion, the best way to support a friend who is coming out is to listen, push away internal assumptions, and make them know they can come to you and feel safe. Keep in mind that if someone comes out to you, especially in the early stages of their identity formation, they’re already trusting you with their life. Literally. Now, it’s your job to let them know you’ve got their back. Being a conscientious ally is a big deal. It can also take a lot of “unlearning” about the world around you. So, once you’ve got those down, here are ways to make sure you’re being the absolute best ally you can be.

DoSomething.org is the largest not-for-profit exclusively for young people and social change. Our digital platform is activating 6 million young people (and counting!) to create offline impact in every US area code and in 131 countries.