6 Ways to Stress Less About Sex and Prom

Prom: the quintessential American high school experience, culturally defined by every teen rom-com and TV show as the Best Night Ever. Stereotypical portrayals of prom night are all about partying, drinking, and choosing that make-it-or-break-it moment for your first time. But do teens really care about losing their virginities on prom night?

Societal expectations and preconceived notions of what happens on prom night can cause a lot of stress and anxiety for high schoolers, says Charlanne Zepf, a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist in White Plains, New York.

“There's a conflict within them about what they think society is telling them to do, what their friends or even their date expects of them, and what their own inner voice is telling them to do,” she says.

Feeling worried about the pressure to have sex on prom night? Here are six ways to stress less, whether or not you plan on getting down with your date.

1. “Everyone’s doing it” is a myth.

The idea that teens are losing their virginities on prom night has become so ingrained in our culture, but there’s actually no concrete data that draws this conclusion. In reality, the number of high schoolers who are having sex is the lowest it’s been in years. According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), only 39.5% of high schoolers report ever having sex in 2017, which is almost a 10% drop from the decade before. There’s this notion that everyone is (or is supposed to be?) having sex on prom night, but the numbers don’t back it up. In other words, don’t believe the hype.

2. You get to decide when you’re ready.

There’s a lot of societal pressure when it comes to deciding whether or not you’re ready to have sex on prom night, but the reality is, only you know how to make the best choice for your own experience. If you’re feeling really unsure about saying yes, that could be a sign that it isn’t the right moment for you.

“You're not closing the door completely,” Charlanne says. “You're saying, ‘I don't really know and I don't necessarily think prom night is the night to put all that pressure on myself.’” Be honest with your date and, more importantly, be honest with yourself. You don’t have to put all this extra stress on yourself by limiting this decision to one night. I know I sound like your mom here, but it’s true: You have the rest of your life to have sex. No need to rush into it if you’re not 100% sure.

3. Have “the talk” with your date.

If you’re feeling stressed about having that conversation with your date, the best thing you can do is just be honest. Shoot them a text (or talk IRL) to nail down both of your expectations ahead of time. A few things you could say to start the conversation are:

• If you’ve been dating/hooking up with that person: “Are you cool with the way things have been going or do you have other expectations about hooking up on prom night?”
• If your date is a friend, but you think they might have other expectations: “Hey, wanted to know your thoughts. I love our friendship the way it is and I don't want to mess that up, I'm really cool with us going as friends.”
• If you want to keep it simple and easy: “Hey, I want to talk to you about prom.”

“Students tell me that when they had an open conversation with their date ahead of time, it actually lowered their anxiety, took away a lot of the pressure, and made for a much freer and much more fun prom experience,” Charlanne says. Expressing your thoughts truthfully can lift a huge weight off of your shoulders once prom night comes around.

4. Don’t be afraid to ask for advice.

If you’re thinking about having sex and it’s your first time, you probably have questions. Makes a lot of sense. But you don’t have to figure them all out on your own. Talk to a friend, a sibling, or a trusted adult -- there are people who have been there before and want to support you. There are also some great resources online with safe sex tips and the answers to your biggest questions if talking to someone in person feels way too awkward.

5. You’re probably tired of hearing this, but safety first.

If you do choose to have sex, being safe should be your number one priority. Talk to your partner about what you’re cool with and what you’re not. If you or your partner has a penis, use a condom...and if you’re not sure whether your partner will have one, supply your own. Keep in mind that alcohol can complicate things and can be dangerous especially if used in combination with drugs. And definitely brush up on what enthusiastic consent means (spoiler: only “yes” means “yes”!). If you want any chance of good sex, better make sure it’s safe sex.

6. Take a crash course in consent.

Being safe also means having a solid understanding of what consent looks like for you and your date. Even if this is something you’ve talked about openly beforehand, check in with each other as things start to heat up. If it turns out you don’t feel as ready as you thought when the moment finally arrives, know when to say “stop.” Be clear about your boundaries -- you should never feel like you have to follow through if you start to get uncomfortable.

Deciding if you’re ready to have sex might feel like the most important choice you’ll make in your whole entire life (right now). There’s so much to enjoy and celebrate on prom night -- your experience shouldn’t hinge on this one question. Remember that when it comes to sex, everyone moves at their own pace. There’s no right or wrong formula for making this decision, but you should be having sex because you want to, not because you feel pressured.

Stressed about other prom stuff? Check out our guides on body image/confidence, finances, drinking, and finding a date. Or use our Prom Anxiety Textline by texting PROM to 38383.