Ask Freddie: "My Friend Is In an Abusive Relationship"

“Ask Freddie” is a monthly advice column where Freddie, DoSomething’s Director of Mobile Messaging, answers anonymous questions from DoSomething members. The topics are always different -- the answers are always REAL. Are you seeking advice? Ask Freddie an anonymous question.

Hey DoSomething crew,

Do you have big plans to watch the Super Bowl this weekend? Maybe you’re not a fan of football but just love watching commercials and eating chips and cheese dip. (Personally I’ll be making this vegan cheese dip to bring to the party my DoSomething coworker, Morgan, is hosting).

My own feelings about football and all the hype around the Big Game are complicated. I grew up watching the NY Jets (I could never root for the Patriots ugghh) with my dad, participated in fantasy football leagues, and still have my mind blown whenever I watch a clip of Odell Beckham scoring a touchdown, backwards, with a one-handed catch and two feet barely making it inside the line. Despite my admiration for the athleticism, my nostalgia and joy of partaking in an American pastime, I understand there is a darker side to the game and harder conversations related to football and the Super Bowl, which can sometimes receive less focus than they deserve.

The Super Bowl, the United States' biggest sporting event of the year, has been called “the biggest sex trafficking event” as well. There have already been 33 sex trafficking related arrests in Atlanta leading up to this year’s championship. On top of that, there are constant news stories about NFL players who have been accused of domestic violence. This past November, the Kansas Chiefs released their star player, Kareem Hunt, after a video showed him knocking down and kicking a woman.

A lot of times, these stories get a lot of attention because of the fame and notoriety of the players involved, but with the Super Bowl coming up, it got me thinking of the lesser heard, but just as real stories of abusive relationships that happen far too often to people we know. One of you asked me recently:

What can you do when your best friend is in an abusive relationship but she won't take anyone's advice?

Thanks for asking this question -- you’re not alone. Did you know girls and young women between the ages of 16 and 24 experience the highest rate of intimate partner violence? And, as many as 1 in 5 young people will experience dating abuse.

It shows how much you care about your friend to be looking out for their wellbeing, but I understand that in can feel frustrating if it seems like they aren’t listening to your advice, especially if you only want what’s best for them. It could seem like your friend isn’t hearing you, but understand there could be more that lies beneath the surface. Navigating an unhealthy or abusive relationship can be really complicated and confusing for your friend, so make sure you can look out for the signs of an abusive relationship so you can best support them.

One of the most important things you can do is assure them that you will always be there for them (regardless of how frustrated you might feel)! Being in an abusive relationship can be very isolating, so as their friend, try to create a safe space where they can open up and talk to you about what’s going on. Let them know you have concerns about their partner’s behavior that feels unhealthy or inappropriate. Don’t talk negatively about their partner or call them names, and don’t tell your friend what to do -- they might not continue sharing with you which could further isolate them. Let them know you will always be there for them as a friend, no matter what.

Lastly, if you are seeing behavior that is escalating in frequency or severity, reach out to a hotline like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800‐799‐SAFE) or the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline (866‐331‐9474) for extra support. Remember, while it’s important to show up and support your friend, don’t forget your own well being and never put yourself in a situation where you might be harmed.

To sum it up -- keep being the great friend you are, check in with your friend, and don’t be afraid to have a hard conversation when their safety is at stake. I’ll also state that if your friend is the one being abusive, it’s important to call them out and hold them accountable as well. The hotlines can be a great place to start that conversation.

Since teen dating violence is so prevalent, it’s likely you have someone in your life who may be in an abusive situation as either the victim or perpetrator. Whether your friend has disclosed what’s happening or not, you can take action by being able to spot the signs and knowing what resources to turn to.

Wishing you all a happy and safe weekend,

Freddie