Ask Freddie: “I’m a Lesbian But My Crush Is Straight”

“Ask Freddie” is a monthly advice column where Freddie, DoSomething’s Director of Mobile Messaging, answers anonymous questions from DoSomething members. The topics are always different -- the answers are always REAL. Are you seeking advice? Ask Freddie an anonymous question.

Question: I am a lesbian. I asked out this bisexual girl, but she claimed (to me) she's straight even though she always says she's bisexual (to others)...How do I deal with the feeling that I might be falling for a straight girl when I'm so sure about my sexuality?

- A lesbian in a sea of hot and amazing straight girls

Dear “Lesbian in A Sea of Hot and Amazing Straight Girls,”

It sounds like you’re chartering some rough seas (get it?) at the moment when it comes to your dating and love life. I get dozens of questions every week from DoSomething members asking similar questions as yours: “How do I know if the person I have a crush on likes me?” or “How can I get so-and-so to notice me?” But on top of the standard “I’ve got a crush” question, it seems to me that you’re also dealing with the fear of rejection, not just for who you are, but because of who you’re attracted to. That’s a scary place to be, but let me assure you -- you will find smooth sailing in these rocky waters.

First, I want to recognize how seriously awesome it is that you feel so sure about your sexuality and who you are. Your confidence is inspiring. Hold on to that because it is an extremely attractive quality that you’ll need out in the dating ocean.

Let me tell you I’ve been in a similar place, Sailor. I came out as a lesbian in college, and fast forward 10 years later, came out as trans and identify as queer. Before I was able to fully come out to myself and others, I felt lost navigating the feelings I had for close female friends (who I assumed were all straight -- spoiler: they weren’t). I remember this one girl I had a huge crush on. we’d spend lots of time together and be physically affectionate like holding hands -- my young lesbian heart couldn’t take it. We’d also talk about the guys she liked and how we couldn’t wait for college because there would be more guys to meet there. I was swooning and dying inside all at once because I couldn’t tell her how I really felt. I was scared that I’d scare her away and that she would be grossed out by me. Ultimately, those were things I projected on her because that’s what I really felt about myself. It took me time to realize there was nothing wrong with me and to love who I am.

I feel like you’ve already got that part taken care of -- so how do you deal with falling for a straight girl? You can’t. You can’t help who you fall for or are attracted to -- we know this! If you like someone, let her know, but also be ready for her to not feel the same way (straight or gay)! If the girl you like is straight, she can’t help that. Take the confidence you have in yourself, and let that keep you steady even when someone turns you down. As cliche as it is -- and I need to keep going with this oceanic metaphor -- but there are other lesbian fish in the sea.

I’d also advise you not to assume every woman you meet is straight. I used to do this too -- assume everyone was straight unless otherwise noted. What if we assumed everyone was gay unless they told us otherwise? The bisexual/straight girl you asked out could be the same place I was back in high school, still figuring out who she is and who she is attracted to, she’s navigating the same waters. I know that’s frustrating, but if you keep living your truth, you’ll inadvertently shine a guiding light who know you.

Lastly, don’t get discouraged. When I got to college and came out, it opened a whole new world for me. I met other queer people, joined the LGBTQ club on campus, and became part of a community. I’m not sure where you live or where you are, but you’re not alone. Take your boat and look for places where other LGBTQ people hang out -- do a Google search of different meetups or events near you. If you’re in a place where it’s not as safe to be out and open, look for those communities online -- we are here. That sea you’re swimming in? It’s full of hot and amazing queer people too.

Dive in,

Freddie